At companies all over the globe you often see frontline managers butting heads with their employees. I hear leaders and managers say it all the time, "I'm tired of babysitting my staff. Why won't my team do this? I wish my employees would just (insert productive habit here)!” Or even something as harsh as, "These employees shouldn’t be making what they make for the sub par work they do!" Employees say things like, “My boss never listens to me!” and “I’m sick of working for this *&@#%!”

OUCH! I, myself used to struggle with some of these same thoughts. Until through some hard lessons, and a little coaching, I came to some realizations that have changed the way I lead forever. In this article, I would like to share these coaching insights with you to help you better lead your team! You deserve to manage stress free and enjoy the presence and support of your direct reports without the need to fight for compliance and accountability!

If you’re a manager or leader struggling with your whole team, part of your team, or perhaps you just know someone else who could use some help in this area, please read on.  Even if you are a master of self control and hold in all this anger without any sort of passive aggression, this frustration will undoubtedly cause you to reach your maximum B.S. limit and you will eventually snap!

When you unleash your frustrations on them, regardless of how you butt heads with your staff, nothing good will come of it. Your employees walk away from the conversation feeling deflated and beat down. Sure, you may feel a temporary high as you have asserted your dominance, but this buzz is quickly lost when the employee you lost your cool with continues the undesired behaviour even after your argument with them! This creates a "Groundhog Day" type effect where you relive the same frustrating moments week after week. Another even more severe potential negative outcome is if one of your valued team members quits their job due to this constant demoralizing behaviour.

How do we, as leaders, work better with our staff in a way that creates desired change in behavior and relieves us of all that anger and frustration?

First, you must understand a few things about your employees:

1. They have good intentions, and want to please you!

Chances are, your employees actually care about pleasing you. If you truly believe in others good intentions, in turn, it will bring the best intentions out of them. All people want to appear confident and proficient in their work. Screwing up and being yelled at does not benefit them. When an employee makes a mistake, doesn’t follow a process, or isn't performing how you want, they are not necessarily targeting you in an attempt to be insubordinate. Before you snap, remember the saying, "You get more with honey than you do vinegar." Ask yourself, was this an honest mistake that anyone could have made? How bad is this situation? Have I ever made a mistake similar to this? How can the punishment fit the crime?

If you're a parent raising a young child, you expect that your child will mess something up. It's a given that your kid is going to color on the walls in crayon. He may find a pair of scissors and decide to give the dog a haircut. If you're really lucky, your kid even might put a wet roll of toilet paper into the microwave for 10 minutes to dry out! Regardless of these childhood atrocities, you still love your kid unconditionally, right? You don't assume they are evil and out to get you, then send them away to boarding school! Perhaps they were trying to draw a pretty picture on the wall just for you. Just maybe your child thought the dog looked hot because he was panting and needed a haircut to cool off. Did you consider he felt bad for dropping the T.P. in the toilet bowl, and he wanted to dry it off so you wouldn't need to buy more? (You can tell my parents had a rough time raising me!) That being said, the intentions were good and the motives were pure. Love your employees like you love your kids, with unconditional care and love, and expect mistakes. Truly believe that they have the best of intentions and mean well. You will harbor a lot less anger this way. Just be there to guide them and help them learn from the errors so they don't keep “shaving the dog” their entire career.

2. Something is preventing them from behaving how you want.

If you’re butting heads with team members because they just won't do what you want them to do, many managers take the "they are lazy" stance. This is a costly assumption. In order to positively alter an employee's behavior the leader must uncover exactly WHAT limiting belief or "SCAM" is preventing them from acting. In the book, "Coaching Salespeople Into Sales Champions," Keith Rosen, Master Certified Coach (MCC), describes a "SCAM" as a Story, Con, Assumption, or Mindset, that employees create that prevent them from taking action in a way that will better their situation. The only way to help your stray staff members is to coach them around their "SCAM" to uncover these crippling mental barriers.  In a non biased, or confrontational way ask "Why?” "What's getting in the way?" "What's preventing you from...?". These discovery questions will show you that "laziness" or "insubordination" are NOT the real problem. Once you unearth the real limiting belief you must help them see what might be possible if they changed their way of thinking or try a new approach to the situation.

For years I stood on my soapbox and preached, “Call your past customers and ask for referrals to sell more and hit your objectives!” Yet, no matter the intensity or frequency of my commands I would see very limited action taken by the sales team. Enter one-on-one coaching.

First, knowing Susan likes customers that are fun and easy to work with, enroll her in the behavioural change, “Susan, what I want for you is to bring in as many referrals in as possible, that way you need not rely on the market, economy and floor traffic your entire career. Wouldn't it be great and rewarding if you could hang out with buyers that already like you and trust you?”

“So, Susan, what's keeping you from calling your sold customers for referrals?”

Susan replied, “Well, I don't have that many to call and when I do call them, I'm scared they will be mad that I'm bothering them. I don't want to annoy my customers.”

The SCAM’s Mary had created around prospecting to her customers were that she had no one to call, a story she made up, because in reality she had over 300 customers in her sold database. The assumption she had convinced herself of, was that they would be annoyed if she called them.

“I've seen your great online reviews from your clients Susan.”, I replied, “Of your 300+ customers, how many of them really enjoyed working with you?”

“Probably at least 250 of them,” she said.

“Do you mind receiving a call from someone you really enjoy working with?” I asked.

“I suppose not, no, I don't mind.” Susan said.

I probed deeper, “How many of your customers have asked you not to call them because you were annoying them?”

She thought for a few seconds, “Well no one's really told me they were annoyed…” I could see Susan was starting to realize she hadn't really TRIED to call them yet, and her assumption was unraveling.

“So what specifically would you be comfortable saying to your most satisfied group of 250 clients, that wouldn't annoy them or bother them when you call?”

From there, Susan and I crafted a wonderful message that she could deliver to her most satisfied customer base and ask for referrals. Which she has since been doing to great effect. Susan was not lazy or insubordinate, nor was she trying to avoid selling and making money, she just needed her SCAM uncovered and addressed in a supportive way. Don’t ASSUME people are lazy or insubordinate, seek to understand the real barriers to behaviour and your life as a leader will be a lot less frustrating, and extremely fulfilling.

3. They may not understand your expectations.

Many times you're not seeing eye to eye with members of your team, it’s a simple situation of lack of clear expectations. I recommend you review expectations with any applicant before you hire them, again after you hire them, and then quarterly. You should also update your expectations as things change, because they always will. If your team member doesn’t know what you expect of them, or what you want them to do as your direct report, whose fault is it if they don’t act accordingly? It's been said many different ways by many different leaders, "People cannot live up to expectations they do not know exist."

While coaching with one of my fellow managers, “John” we came to the root of some deep-seated frustration he held with a  sales representative, “Bob”. It all boiled down to expectations. John felt his expectations were continually not being met by Bob.  After we both sat with Bob, clearly reviewed John’s expectations in detail, it became clear that we had a disconnect. We expected to see that Bob didn’t care, or had no concern that he had not met his objectives.  However, instead, Bob clearly felt guilty once realization set in that he had let us down. Bob needed his manager's expectations refreshed because too much time had gone by since these had been covered. Bob then put together a plan to remedy his shortcomings, and has since worked hard to fix the issues. There was a weight lifted off my frustrated manager and team member’s shoulders that day. Communicating expectations makes everyone’s job easier, and will help you avoid butting heads.

4. Their proficiency may not have been tested after training.

It's easy to assume someone knows what they should be doing once they complete a training course. We provide training classes, watch our employees go through these, and just because they didn’t fall asleep during the class, we believe they must know exactly what's going on... If ONLY it were that easy! Have you ever failed to absorb something from training or do you pick up everything the first time, every time? We must test proficiency prior to turning our employees loose on the job. Simply put, if we don’t find out the training wasn’t absorbed early, we will find out the hard way later. Would you want a pilot that had not been tested for proficiency to fly you and your family across the country? Would you want a heart surgeon to operate on you after one class but without passing a test? You bet not! Test your team AFTER the training to ensure they have absorbed it or blame yourself when they falter.

One sales representative “Steve” worked at another one of our dealer groups lots for nearly a year before transferring to our store. Since he had been in the car business before, and at one of our stores, we assumed he knew how to do the proper paperwork when delivering a vehicle. After a very frustrating first month of constant paperwork mishaps costing himself, the company and his customers time and money, we decided to “test” Steve on his competence regarding delivery paperwork. We discovered that at the store where he worked before the finance department did most of the paperwork, so he didn't really understand it. Even though he had a basic knowledge of what was needed, enough to be dangerous, Steve needed training and testing prior to turning him loose. Had we tested his proficiency initially, we would have saved more than a few headaches! Was he tested at all? Sure he was, he had to “Sell his boss a car” but he sure wasn't tested on paperwork. Test your staff members on all aspects of their job, if you want to ensure they are proficient at all aspects of their job.

How to avoid your initial angry reaction and make positive lasting change.

Now let's get something straight here, I am not saying we are always going to get along with our staff. Also, no one can keep their cool 100 percent of the time. Nor am I saying to let them get away with murder. There must be a hierarchy and someone to answer to for any organization to be successful. I just want you to understand some of the problem could be on us as leaders. After all, it's our job, as the people leading the charge, to use coaching to help them correct the situation in a way that fosters a supportive, positive environment. The alternative isn't pretty, it’s a passive aggressive, cancerous environment where repeated unfavorable actions cause a boss to snap, over and over, and over and over again! This can't be good for your blood pressure, let alone career satisfaction for you and your employees.

If you’ve been managing in this manner, let me ask you a few loaded questions: Has holding in your frustration, or yelling at your team repeatedly changed anything in a positive way? What favorable results have you seen from this? Does this build trust or degrade it? Do you want sustainable growth for your team members, or a never ending cycle of new hires as you replace the people that leave you? Are you sick and tired of butting heads with your employees?

Before you start ranting and raving at your team member, or say something snide and hostile, there is a very powerful question you should ask yourself.  In the book, "Triggers" by Dr. Marshall Goldsmith, he asks, "Am I willing, at this time, to make the investment required, to make a positive difference on this topic?" Prior to reacting to an unfavorable situation in your environment in an unfavorable way, asking this question will allow you to slow down. Now you may cool off, and contribute to the situation as opposed to make a bad situation worse. Being willing to invest the energy to contribute to the conversation in a positive way, will be the first key in creating positive change. If you can't invest the energy at the time, then just stay quiet and cool off.

Hold your team members accountable in a supportive, positive way.

Let’s revisit our coachee’s stories.  Now that we’ve clearly discussed our expectations, and have a new starting point. In the end, if Bob doesn’t follow the newly communicated expectations, then leadership follows the, "Am I willing..." question, mentioned above, before freaking out, then there will be consequences. If Susan doesn’t follow the prospecting plan we created, we will not be passive aggressive toward her. Holding in our frustration and allowing her to get away without the follow up calls will only create the problem we're trying to avoid. We now sit her down and ask again, “Now what’s preventing you from calling your customers?”. If one of our employees makes a mistake that a bit of common sense should have prevented, they will be held accountable. However, we will know they did not foster any ill will in their mistake, so there is no need to become angry with them or mistrust their intentions. If Steve continues to screw up his paperwork after his training and measurement of his competence has been completed, we will address the issue.

In each case we will follow the advice of Theodore Roosevelt when he said, "Speak softly and carry a big stick."  Meaning, we will be polite and respectful, will not snap to anger and stress, but there will be consequences in order to hold our team members accountable. Being a manager who has the "stick", or method of accountability, prevents you from flipping out. Now as you may have inferred, using consequences does not give you permission to regress back to yelling.  Instead, it should be a series of clear, direct feedbacks that escalate to more, depending on the severity.  In Bob’s particular case, both parties agreed to consequences that begin with extra hours until set guidelines are met. Further offenses or failure to meet commitments would lead to monetary punishment and documented reprimand. In Susan’s case, if she doesn't want to service her existing customers, they will be distributed among other sales associates who are willing and able to call on them.

It can be as simple as a clear message to an employee that they’ve not met your expectations.  This message should be delivered in person if minor, or in writing if more serious.  It can be direct such as, “Bob, you agreed last month to deliver your paperwork by the 30th of each month.  It is now the 5th and I still do not have your paperwork. When can I expect to have it? What got in the way? Do you need my assistance in revising your plan?”  This type of feedback is still calm, collected, respectful but clearly conveys the expectation was not met.

If an offense occurs again, or the severity of the missed expectation is more grave, you should escalate the message to call for either a clear corrective action within a specific timeframe, or even a warning for termination (or termination in some instances).  Just remember, this consequence should still always clearly convey the expectation, the miss of the expectation and be calm, collected and respectful.

Your employees will be better off for it, and their behavior will be conducive to your aligned efforts. Stop butting heads with your team.  Put away the boxing gloves. Lead your team in the way they deserve. Believe in their best intentions, lead with a calm, collected head and coaching mentality. Create a plan for holding them accountable to your clear-cut, well communicated expectations. As a result your work environment will improve for you and your team. Your employees will gain trust in you and your turnover will drop! Best of luck to you and your team!

If you’re a sales manager, every day your sales staff line up to bring you news of their success, failures, conquests, and exploits. Sometimes they bring great news, excitedly proclaiming,"The clients just signed, we made a deal!" High fives, words of affirmation and celebration, everyone rejoices in the success of the moment. It is simple to react in the proper way when everything is going your way.

On the contrary, there are times when the message from your sales representative is less than favorable, "Boss I can't get them to sign, they are going to walk away from the deal." Certainly, news like this can be frustrating for a sales manager. After spending so much time helping to manage the deal, then to have your sales person lose control like this? Getting angry or frustrated with your salesperson may be your first instinct; however, you need to know that your gut reaction to say something rude, sarcastic or angry, can cost you a lot more than one lost sale. So in situations like this, what is the best thing to do? How do you work to save the deal, correct the issues at hand without brow beating your employees?

Put yourself in the shoes of your salesperson. They probably wanted the sale as much if not more than you! Even top notch sales people with the best attitudes may feel down and out when the loss of a sale occurs. Do you think your sales person wanted to let you, their sales manager, down intentionally? Did they want to look bad in the eyes of their peers by losing a sale? Did they want to flush that commission down the toilet intentionally? Ask yourself this, how do YOU feel when you let your boss down? When you make a mistake, how do you want to be treated by your supervisor? More on this later, for now, bite your tongue!

First things first, attempt to save the deal. You probably need time to cool off before correcting your sales person properly. Speaking with the would be client will allow you this time. Also, more importantly, you can NOT correct your staff member and coach them if you don’t know WHY the potential buyer is backing out. At this point in the deal, you may believe you know why the customer is leaving without buying. In reality, until you ask the client, your only making an assumption. Corrective action based on emotion and assumptions? Sounds like a recipe for a  frustrated sales person, who doesn't learn what they need in order to improve, as well as a loss of respect to their manager to me!

Go talk to the client or customers without your sales person present, this will allow them an easier time opening up or giving you feedback on your staff member. Ask them how their experience was right off the bat. They may give you subtle clues about what went wrong, or why they are leaving. Pay close attention to their body language. Are they actually listening and providing honest feedback or are they just running out the door? Ask permission to follow up with them, find out how and when they prefer to be contacted. This will cause them to not feel as if you are holding them hostage as well as give you a time frame on their purchase. If they don’t want you to reach out to them, something may have gone seriously wrong. If they won't provide any real reasons or objections for you to work with, ask permission to probe deeper. Something along the lines of, "Mr Customer, at the risk of sounding pushy or high pressure, may I ask you a serious question?" Once they say yes, throw it out there, "What is the ONE thing keeping you from making a decision today?" In this way you may uncover the main objection without making the client angry at you for being nosy. They did after all, give you permission to ask the question! Once you have tried your best to overcome the objections, save the sale, and you have cooled off you can move forward. Now that you know the REAL reason the customer did not buy, and your customer is not present, NOW is the time to coach and train your salesperson.

Again, don’t shoot the messenger, your employee was just relaying the clients message. This message is probably an answer to your associates presentation or the manner in which you directed the sale as the manager. You did in fact train your sales person to sell for you right? You as the manager, must accept some responsibility for what has happens in a sale, both good or bad! Let your sales person know that you are on their team, that you want them to sell too as many clients as possible because their success is your success. In this way they will not put up a defensive barrier which will limit their listening. Next, ask your sales person if THEY know why the customer had left. There is no point in "beating a dead horse." Your employee may already know the mistakes that were made, if they hit the nail on the head and tell you the correct reason the sale was lost, then kudos to them. Your next question should be, "What will you do next time to produce a better result?" Then hold them accountable for their commitment the next time they are in a similar situation so history does not repeat itself. If their "reason" for the lost sale is not the actual reason the customer left, now it's your turn to point out what they missed, the opportunity lost, and what it would mean for them if they correct the shortcoming moving forward. If as a sales manager you adopt this method of personnel development, your staff will respect you for such resolve. They will always seek to grow with you, and will believe that you really do have their backs.

In review, the short term damage to you, your client, and team member for "shooting the messenger." Are very serious and destructive. First and foremost you look insecure, weak and unconfident: all poor leadership qualities. If the customer hears what's going on you may easily offend them and will have no hope of saving the deal. Second, you do not find out what the sales associate needs actual training or coaching on, so they never get better at selling. You create a fear in your employee to approach their manager in any undesirable situation, which is when they need you the most. The next time something's going south, do you think they are going to tell you about it? Even IF you know the real reason the sale was lost, your behavior will have caused your staff member to shut down and not listen to you and improvement cannot take place.

Long term damage of shooting the messenger, is high employee turnover. The only sales people that will stick around to work with you are ones that like abuse. More unnecessary lost sales will occur, due to the assumptive corrective action that isn't solving the real gap in the salespersons behaviors, attitudes or presentation. As well as you gaining a reputation for leading by irrationality and emotion, which is not a reputation you want in a leadership role. A true test of a leader is the ability to stay cool and react appropriately, especially when things don’t go your way. Stay calm, talk to the client, and lastly coach your staff member. Always remember, if you’re a shoot the messenger type of leader, your shooting yourself in the foot!