Our finance guy pours out of his sales office, hands down by his sides as if defeated in horrific ways we'd never want to know about. He looks like he's about to walk out the door and down the street, occasionally stopping to heave his chest up and down and hoping some little old New Jersey lady might see him from her window and offer to make him a "sangwitch." 

"What do you expect? I don't have any leg. What can I do?"

There's no little old lady there to tell him it's going to be okay – no sangwitch, no glass of milk, no cookie – just the disappointed look of his GSM. A look that might say something about finding his replacement. 

For the next deal, the finance guy tries to sell an alarm, but the customer tells him the car already has one – the salesperson said so.

For the next deal, he "gives away" a warranty and the desk manager yells at him because they're backed up five people deep and what the hell is wrong with him? 

Before he even looks at his next deal, he takes a heat call from a customer asking what a VIN etching is, why it costs $495 – and for his money back. 

I have to wonder why we do this to the poor guy, but what I will propose isn't going to make it much better for him.

I've worked in a few stores over the past several years. From my experience, the more an internet department grows, the more critical the penetration issue becomes. The only stores that seem indifferent to their finance department's performance also seem to have a non-performing, token internet department. Ironically, these stores are also quickly losing their foothold in their respective district rankings, but that would be another topic on another morning. Not this morning. Not on this cup of coffee.

What I'm about to propose may seem insane. You may shake your head and stop reading. However, it would be equally insane to think we can fix our dilemma by adjusting the poor finance fellow's pay plan to encourage a higher penetration ratio, while patting ourselves on the back: 

"That should do it. Now we'll see some results out of finance."

"How's that, sir?"

"I adjusted his pay plan. If he doesn't give me what I need, he won't earn any money."

"Sir, you're a pretty smart guy."

"I know, now tuck in your shirt and get back to work."

Of course, nothing changes. Maybe a new finance person joins the team, or maybe a new GM or GSM. The problems remain the same, just with different faces trying to solve them.

So, what I'm about to propose doesn't stem from work experience. It's reinforced by something I do on my days off. On those days, I usually go to Barnes & Noble and The Apple Store. Lately, I've expanded this to include Lululemon Athletica. I go to B&N to look at books, but at the other stores I observe and learn. As salespeople, we should follow and learn as much as possible about successful companies. If you're a sales samurai, learning about successful companies and successful processes is part of your job.

What I've learned in my samurai studies at Apple will startle and baffle us in the car industry. I've been making little notes here and there, and I noticed something. It didn't occur to me for awhile, but lingering around the store confirmed it.

The Apple Store closes almost 50% of their customers on extended warranties. These warranty costs are about 15%-20% of the price of the computer, and the questions and objections I heard there are the same ones I hear in the dealership.

"I don't need that."

"I can buy it later."

"I don't have enough money right now." 

"It already comes with a warranty." 

"But does it cover X, Y, and Z?"

The salespeople overcome the objections and close warranties on about half their computer sales. Not only that, they never reduce the cost of the warranty. It's full pop or nothing. 

Why can't we close like that? We're the sales pros, right? Our finance guys have years of sales experience under their belts, right? They can't be outsold by some kid making $15 an hour with tattoos slathered up and down her arms, right? Our guy has a suit, an office, and gets to spend time with his customers in private, but the Apple kid closes right there on the showroom. 

How does she do it, you may ask? And how can we sell extended warranties to nearly 50% of our customers? Maybe even at full pop?

The answer is very simple. We need to abandon our unsuccessful model. Forget everything about how we normally sell back-end products. Forget trying to pencil it in the payment. Forget trying to let the finance guy sell it. Forget all of it. In the end, our finance guy is more like a cashier if he's not selling warranties and other back-end services. But isn't that what he is anyway?

Since you can't separate Apple's result from their process, here it is as I see it – and why it works. It's worth repeating that we shouldn't expect similar results if we don't follow a similar process. In fact, I'd follow it exactly.

Why are warranty sales successful?
Trust.
It's not sold by another person. It's sold by the person they established trust with – the person they've been talking to about their computer. Not only does the customer trust the salesperson, they trust the brand. For us, this trust also needs to extend to the dealership.

If our customer agrees to buy the car from the salesperson, he trusts his salesperson. If he's buying a car, he obviously trusts the brand, and hopefully he's there because he read about us online and trusts the dealership. We have two of the three things working in our favor every time, no matter what. In fact, every dealer does – it's just that we usually strip away the most important piece: the value of the trust between the salesman and the customer.

How is this warranty sold? 
On value.

The salesperson illustrates this value to customers, through examples. It's not sold on price. It isn't slipped in. It's sold 100% on value. The customer wants to buy it.

What do dealers do? 

Create a distrustful situation, independent of value.

The customer builds a relationship with the salesperson – no one else. As a result, the person selling the warranty must appeal to emotion rather than logic. Time constraints prevent them from developing their own relationship with the customer. In turn, the dealer attempts to pack it in more, creating a hit or miss situation – and we know the misses usually turn ugly.

We should train our salespeople on warranties, and on a different sales process. One that might lead with, "I'm glad you want the car! We're getting it cleaned up right now. I'd like to also tell you about our maintenance plan and HondaCare… With our maintenance plan you will get… "

What other benefits might we see? How about less wait? When the customer agrees, he could walk straight over to finance. Do we really need an hour or even a 10-minute wait? Why not an open checkout counter? Samurai the entire process. 

Finance personnel costs will lower significantly. You can pay salespeople more, which lowers turnover, creating a more talented workforce and more positive online reviews, referrals, and so on.

What of our fine Finance fellow? He served us so well in different times. We do him no honor by blaming him, accusing him of victimizing us, of letting him wither inside his office. 

I found this samurai poem, by Minamoto Yorimasa (1104-1180), along with the fate of the man: 

Like a rotten log
half buried in the ground-
my life, which
has not flowered, comes
to this sad end. 

Let's not leave our warrior half buried in the ground. His skills, knowledge, and assets will prove invaluable to the new process. Let us who begin to forge ahead pool our knowledge, our successes, our failures, and lastly some money so that we may kindly fly out some little old New Jersey ladies and have them deliver sangwitches to our competitors. 

Our finance guy pours out of his sales office, hands down by his sides as if defeated in horrific ways we'd never want to know about. He looks like he's about to walk out the door and down the street, occasionally stopping to heave his chest up and down and hoping some little old New Jersey lady might see him from her window and offer to make him a "sangwitch." 

"What do you expect? I don't have any leg. What can I do?"

There's no little old lady there to tell him it's going to be okay – no sangwitch, no glass of milk, no cookie – just the disappointed look of his GSM. A look that might say something about finding his replacement. 

For the next deal, the finance guy tries to sell an alarm, but the customer tells him the car already has one – the salesperson said so.

For the next deal, he "gives away" a warranty and the desk manager yells at him because they're backed up five people deep and what the hell is wrong with him? 

Before he even looks at his next deal, he takes a heat call from a customer asking what a VIN etching is, why it costs $495 – and for his money back. 

I have to wonder why we do this to the poor guy, but what I will propose isn't going to make it much better for him.

I've worked in a few stores over the past several years. From my experience, the more an internet department grows, the more critical the penetration issue becomes. The only stores that seem indifferent to their finance department's performance also seem to have a non-performing, token internet department. Ironically, these stores are also quickly losing their foothold in their respective district rankings, but that would be another topic on another morning. Not this morning. Not on this cup of coffee.

What I'm about to propose may seem insane. You may shake your head and stop reading. However, it would be equally insane to think we can fix our dilemma by adjusting the poor finance fellow's pay plan to encourage a higher penetration ratio, while patting ourselves on the back: 

"That should do it. Now we'll see some results out of finance."

"How's that, sir?"

"I adjusted his pay plan. If he doesn't give me what I need, he won't earn any money."

"Sir, you're a pretty smart guy."

"I know, now tuck in your shirt and get back to work."

Of course, nothing changes. Maybe a new finance person joins the team, or maybe a new GM or GSM. The problems remain the same, just with different faces trying to solve them.

So, what I'm about to propose doesn't stem from work experience. It's reinforced by something I do on my days off. On those days, I usually go to Barnes & Noble and The Apple Store. Lately, I've expanded this to include Lululemon Athletica. I go to B&N to look at books, but at the other stores I observe and learn. As salespeople, we should follow and learn as much as possible about successful companies. If you're a sales samurai, learning about successful companies and successful processes is part of your job.

What I've learned in my samurai studies at Apple will startle and baffle us in the car industry. I've been making little notes here and there, and I noticed something. It didn't occur to me for awhile, but lingering around the store confirmed it.

The Apple Store closes almost 50% of their customers on extended warranties. These warranty costs are about 15%-20% of the price of the computer, and the questions and objections I heard there are the same ones I hear in the dealership.

"I don't need that."

"I can buy it later."

"I don't have enough money right now." 

"It already comes with a warranty." 

"But does it cover X, Y, and Z?"

The salespeople overcome the objections and close warranties on about half their computer sales. Not only that, they never reduce the cost of the warranty. It's full pop or nothing. 

Why can't we close like that? We're the sales pros, right? Our finance guys have years of sales experience under their belts, right? They can't be outsold by some kid making $15 an hour with tattoos slathered up and down her arms, right? Our guy has a suit, an office, and gets to spend time with his customers in private, but the Apple kid closes right there on the showroom. 

How does she do it, you may ask? And how can we sell extended warranties to nearly 50% of our customers? Maybe even at full pop?

The answer is very simple. We need to abandon our unsuccessful model. Forget everything about how we normally sell back-end products. Forget trying to pencil it in the payment. Forget trying to let the finance guy sell it. Forget all of it. In the end, our finance guy is more like a cashier if he's not selling warranties and other back-end services. But isn't that what he is anyway?

Since you can't separate Apple's result from their process, here it is as I see it – and why it works. It's worth repeating that we shouldn't expect similar results if we don't follow a similar process. In fact, I'd follow it exactly.

Why are warranty sales successful?
Trust.
It's not sold by another person. It's sold by the person they established trust with – the person they've been talking to about their computer. Not only does the customer trust the salesperson, they trust the brand. For us, this trust also needs to extend to the dealership.

If our customer agrees to buy the car from the salesperson, he trusts his salesperson. If he's buying a car, he obviously trusts the brand, and hopefully he's there because he read about us online and trusts the dealership. We have two of the three things working in our favor every time, no matter what. In fact, every dealer does – it's just that we usually strip away the most important piece: the value of the trust between the salesman and the customer.

How is this warranty sold? 
On value.

The salesperson illustrates this value to customers, through examples. It's not sold on price. It isn't slipped in. It's sold 100% on value. The customer wants to buy it.

What do dealers do? 

Create a distrustful situation, independent of value.

The customer builds a relationship with the salesperson – no one else. As a result, the person selling the warranty must appeal to emotion rather than logic. Time constraints prevent them from developing their own relationship with the customer. In turn, the dealer attempts to pack it in more, creating a hit or miss situation – and we know the misses usually turn ugly.

We should train our salespeople on warranties, and on a different sales process. One that might lead with, "I'm glad you want the car! We're getting it cleaned up right now. I'd like to also tell you about our maintenance plan and HondaCare… With our maintenance plan you will get… "

What other benefits might we see? How about less wait? When the customer agrees, he could walk straight over to finance. Do we really need an hour or even a 10-minute wait? Why not an open checkout counter? Samurai the entire process. 

Finance personnel costs will lower significantly. You can pay salespeople more, which lowers turnover, creating a more talented workforce and more positive online reviews, referrals, and so on.

What of our fine Finance fellow? He served us so well in different times. We do him no honor by blaming him, accusing him of victimizing us, of letting him wither inside his office. 

I found this samurai poem, by Minamoto Yorimasa (1104-1180), along with the fate of the man: 

Like a rotten log
half buried in the ground-
my life, which
has not flowered, comes
to this sad end. 

Let's not leave our warrior half buried in the ground. His skills, knowledge, and assets will prove invaluable to the new process. Let us who begin to forge ahead pool our knowledge, our successes, our failures, and lastly some money so that we may kindly fly out some little old New Jersey ladies and have them deliver sangwitches to our competitors. 

I’m late to work already and I’d rather sit here and drink coffee and perhaps go to the beach today and I can’t imagine anyone else waking up differently. So I’m at the end of my desk right now between two different types of days. The one I’m supposed to have going to work and the one I want to have so instead of either one I’ll write this.

I met someone the other day who said his internet department was going to have a 12-step process. As I was getting ready this morning I couldn’t help but wonder about this process and what happens on step 5 or 8 and especially 10 or 12 and why not shorten the steps to get right to those magical things on step 3 or 4?

And I thought if you’re going to go for a 12 stepper why wuss out at 12. Why not go for 32 or really man up and go for a whole 102 step sales process. Then I thought about my measly little 5-step process and started to wonder if it was sufficient and if I shouldn’t have a 12 stepper or 39 stepper instead.

But then I thought my 5 step process works for me and I’ve proven myself over and over again with it. And then I thought that guys 12-step process probably works for him too. Surely he didn’t get to be a newly promoted big time internet director unless he had delivered the goods some day.

So then I thought that what makes these processes good. What made or makes him good and other people is not some super industry or company wide master process but one that enables a person to complete the job process that utilized his/her strengths. They will in turn believe in this process and have hard evidence to back up its effectiveness but maybe what wasn’t effective was the process itself but that it was the person who designed it naturally designed it around their own strengths and it successfully leveraged those strengths.

I wondered if this person I met with a 12-step process was going to have success as he was hiring a team of internet people and planned on introducing this to them. I remember one time I worked in a dealership that had consultants who had sold and implemented and monitored a 4-step process to the dealership. The only sales people who sold cars were the ones that seemed to not follow it and they were not enforcing the process on these 1-2 individuals as they had sold a significant amount of cars. They in effect had their own process.

I just got a text now from my customer that they are on their way so I must go as it looks like I’ll be a salesman again today but if I were the big boss I wouldn’t implement my 5-step process or implement my super improved 7-step process. These sorts or processes seem to be more for managers and directors than sales people and maybe in large organizations it’s better to forego having sales superstars for a predictable and enforceable sales process and its predictable result but such a processes isn’t for sales people and if it isn’t for sales people then then it isn’t for sales and you should call it something else. Process 12 v.1 Department perhaps.

I’m late to work already and I’d rather sit here and drink coffee and perhaps go to the beach today and I can’t imagine anyone else waking up differently. So I’m at the end of my desk right now between two different types of days. The one I’m supposed to have going to work and the one I want to have so instead of either one I’ll write this.

I met someone the other day who said his internet department was going to have a 12-step process. As I was getting ready this morning I couldn’t help but wonder about this process and what happens on step 5 or 8 and especially 10 or 12 and why not shorten the steps to get right to those magical things on step 3 or 4?

And I thought if you’re going to go for a 12 stepper why wuss out at 12. Why not go for 32 or really man up and go for a whole 102 step sales process. Then I thought about my measly little 5-step process and started to wonder if it was sufficient and if I shouldn’t have a 12 stepper or 39 stepper instead.

But then I thought my 5 step process works for me and I’ve proven myself over and over again with it. And then I thought that guys 12-step process probably works for him too. Surely he didn’t get to be a newly promoted big time internet director unless he had delivered the goods some day.

So then I thought that what makes these processes good. What made or makes him good and other people is not some super industry or company wide master process but one that enables a person to complete the job process that utilized his/her strengths. They will in turn believe in this process and have hard evidence to back up its effectiveness but maybe what wasn’t effective was the process itself but that it was the person who designed it naturally designed it around their own strengths and it successfully leveraged those strengths.

I wondered if this person I met with a 12-step process was going to have success as he was hiring a team of internet people and planned on introducing this to them. I remember one time I worked in a dealership that had consultants who had sold and implemented and monitored a 4-step process to the dealership. The only sales people who sold cars were the ones that seemed to not follow it and they were not enforcing the process on these 1-2 individuals as they had sold a significant amount of cars. They in effect had their own process.

I just got a text now from my customer that they are on their way so I must go as it looks like I’ll be a salesman again today but if I were the big boss I wouldn’t implement my 5-step process or implement my super improved 7-step process. These sorts or processes seem to be more for managers and directors than sales people and maybe in large organizations it’s better to forego having sales superstars for a predictable and enforceable sales process and its predictable result but such a processes isn’t for sales people and if it isn’t for sales people then then it isn’t for sales and you should call it something else. Process 12 v.1 Department perhaps.

The other morning I was walking my dogs. I live on the main street right below the Hollywood sign. If you’re a tourist and you’re looking for a picture of the Hollywood sign you always end up on my street because it looks like it drives right into it. Okay, enough details. Back to my walk. A car slowly slides up next to me. It’s a very thick June gloom morning. The fellow rolls down his window and like most tourists they always ask me how can they actually get to the sign for which there is no easy answer as it’s a twisty maze of narrow streets with signs that seem purposely hidden so I usually tell them there is no way but this fellow wasn’t asking how to get to the sign. He was asking me if he was even close to the sign. I asked him to repeat himself and he asked me if the sign was even close to where he was. In my mind I’m thinking that’s an insane question because it’s in massive letters right before him about 500 yards straight out his windshield. I look and that’s when I notice the fog is so thick that you can’t make out the sign. Through the fog I can make out the outline or at least I think I can as I’m sure it’s there but this fellow has no idea if he’s even in the right neighborhood or pointing the right way. I tell him it’s straight ahead and he looks ahead and at me again. I tell him to trust me that the sign is right in front of him. He mumbles something to himself about me being an unhelpful asshole and drives off into the fog making a sharp left hand turn. 

I think to myself this will rank with the great allegory’s of all time. It had all the right ingredients. What story could better sum up the added difficulty we throw on ourselves for not trusting in someone who knows better. Not only refusing to believe the person for your own good but taking it one step further believing he is attempting to cause you some harm because you can’t see what he knows to be true. 

That was 2 weeks ago and I’m still waiting for the dinner party or company meeting where I’m able to communicate my new witty story.  My new allegory. In my mind I’m already ranking my Allegory to rival Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. So great perhaps they’ll just banish his unnecessary allegory and replace it with mine. T-shirts ought to be printed depicting my new allegory. Fog machine sales will hit all time highs. Teachers are giving demos to students. Students are giving demos to other people. Strangers in bathrooms begin to discuss the dynamics of the foggy allegory. Oh yes, surely the foggy allegory will be credited 500-years from now for giving birth to a new renaissance. A new period of enlightenment.

Oh but surely I think to myself the foggy allegory can’t be all that unique. It must exist in other forms but I am too lazy to research allegory’s. The Lakers will be on in an hour. I was supposed to go back to an interview today which made me re-live this whole allegory scene in the first place. You see, what happened was last night an old friend asked me to stop by a dealership he started working at. I hadn’t seen him in a few years and thought it would be nice to see him. Before I know it he’s insisting that I come aboard. That I meet with the GM. That I’m exactly what they need. A real internet person. I try to get details and the only details I get are standard. Sounds like a standard position where they want someone who is good online and on the phone to respond to inquiries and make deals. Surely I am exceptional at this but it had been a few years and my old friend seems to not have accounted for that during the last 4 years I’ve grown to slightly more of a managerial role. I feel that I have more value passing on what I know rather than just doing it. My friend insisted that I come back today and meet with the GM and see the pay plan and get a drug test, and to come back dressed to the nines etc... Keep in mind I already have a job. So last night I figure maybe it’s a good idea to learn more about this dealership and so I begin to research them and their competitors and collect data and create a sales strategy complete with action items to take them from what I can tell is one of the lower performing dealers of their brand in Los Angeles to a top 3 performer. I even intended to do this by eliminating all 3rd party leads and kept budgetary constrictions in mind by simply imagining there was no budget. I even documented exact key word phrase alterations for their website to improve their rankings. I had data that showed they weren’t a google local result for a majority of Los Angeles because their site was indexed so poorly. I even had a reputation report. I missed nothing. Even noting how there was no wifi network (which I checked while I was there after checking in on Foursqure). I noticed a dealer next door had listed as a tip for the area that they have free wifi and coffee and even though I’m sitting there with my old friend I’m considering going to that dealership instead so last night I even considered taking it upon myself to create “nearby specials” on behalf of this dealer. So today being my day off I go to the gym, I walk the dogs on what was a another foggy morning and I eventually shower and remembered my friend said something about the nines so I put on my suit. I walk into my dining room and grabbed my ipad with the massive sales document I typed the night before and my keys and then just froze. 

These people are going to think I’m an absolute maniac. 

The other morning I was walking my dogs. I live on the main street right below the Hollywood sign. If you’re a tourist and you’re looking for a picture of the Hollywood sign you always end up on my street because it looks like it drives right into it. Okay, enough details. Back to my walk. A car slowly slides up next to me. It’s a very thick June gloom morning. The fellow rolls down his window and like most tourists they always ask me how can they actually get to the sign for which there is no easy answer as it’s a twisty maze of narrow streets with signs that seem purposely hidden so I usually tell them there is no way but this fellow wasn’t asking how to get to the sign. He was asking me if he was even close to the sign. I asked him to repeat himself and he asked me if the sign was even close to where he was. In my mind I’m thinking that’s an insane question because it’s in massive letters right before him about 500 yards straight out his windshield. I look and that’s when I notice the fog is so thick that you can’t make out the sign. Through the fog I can make out the outline or at least I think I can as I’m sure it’s there but this fellow has no idea if he’s even in the right neighborhood or pointing the right way. I tell him it’s straight ahead and he looks ahead and at me again. I tell him to trust me that the sign is right in front of him. He mumbles something to himself about me being an unhelpful asshole and drives off into the fog making a sharp left hand turn. 

I think to myself this will rank with the great allegory’s of all time. It had all the right ingredients. What story could better sum up the added difficulty we throw on ourselves for not trusting in someone who knows better. Not only refusing to believe the person for your own good but taking it one step further believing he is attempting to cause you some harm because you can’t see what he knows to be true. 

That was 2 weeks ago and I’m still waiting for the dinner party or company meeting where I’m able to communicate my new witty story.  My new allegory. In my mind I’m already ranking my Allegory to rival Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. So great perhaps they’ll just banish his unnecessary allegory and replace it with mine. T-shirts ought to be printed depicting my new allegory. Fog machine sales will hit all time highs. Teachers are giving demos to students. Students are giving demos to other people. Strangers in bathrooms begin to discuss the dynamics of the foggy allegory. Oh yes, surely the foggy allegory will be credited 500-years from now for giving birth to a new renaissance. A new period of enlightenment.

Oh but surely I think to myself the foggy allegory can’t be all that unique. It must exist in other forms but I am too lazy to research allegory’s. The Lakers will be on in an hour. I was supposed to go back to an interview today which made me re-live this whole allegory scene in the first place. You see, what happened was last night an old friend asked me to stop by a dealership he started working at. I hadn’t seen him in a few years and thought it would be nice to see him. Before I know it he’s insisting that I come aboard. That I meet with the GM. That I’m exactly what they need. A real internet person. I try to get details and the only details I get are standard. Sounds like a standard position where they want someone who is good online and on the phone to respond to inquiries and make deals. Surely I am exceptional at this but it had been a few years and my old friend seems to not have accounted for that during the last 4 years I’ve grown to slightly more of a managerial role. I feel that I have more value passing on what I know rather than just doing it. My friend insisted that I come back today and meet with the GM and see the pay plan and get a drug test, and to come back dressed to the nines etc... Keep in mind I already have a job. So last night I figure maybe it’s a good idea to learn more about this dealership and so I begin to research them and their competitors and collect data and create a sales strategy complete with action items to take them from what I can tell is one of the lower performing dealers of their brand in Los Angeles to a top 3 performer. I even intended to do this by eliminating all 3rd party leads and kept budgetary constrictions in mind by simply imagining there was no budget. I even documented exact key word phrase alterations for their website to improve their rankings. I had data that showed they weren’t a google local result for a majority of Los Angeles because their site was indexed so poorly. I even had a reputation report. I missed nothing. Even noting how there was no wifi network (which I checked while I was there after checking in on Foursqure). I noticed a dealer next door had listed as a tip for the area that they have free wifi and coffee and even though I’m sitting there with my old friend I’m considering going to that dealership instead so last night I even considered taking it upon myself to create “nearby specials” on behalf of this dealer. So today being my day off I go to the gym, I walk the dogs on what was a another foggy morning and I eventually shower and remembered my friend said something about the nines so I put on my suit. I walk into my dining room and grabbed my ipad with the massive sales document I typed the night before and my keys and then just froze. 

These people are going to think I’m an absolute maniac. 

“Hey, did you see that review?” The question moved about he showroom and through offices and even leaped over different departments and surely must have slipped and slithered itself through the rafters and cooling ducts to the owners office. It wasn’t finished until every last person heard it and read the review. Once the review was read it seemed to make everyone feel compelled to provide their idea of what should be done about it. Managers, Finance Guys, Salesman, and a guy who supposed to be a Porter came up to me with deep concern and heavy tones as if speaking softer about the event would somehow make it go away. The questions and statements revolved around asking me to have the review removed. Asking me to respond to the reviewer. Asking me to petition Yelp for removal. And to somehow inform the internet of all the things we did right on this deal. As if the internet were waiting with the great anticipation for the truth to finally come out on this deal. I don’t know how aside from me being the internet guy I got dragged into this mess. There had been plenty of reviews before this one and even a few bad ones but I don’t know what it was that made everyone so upset about this particular review. Was it because she named names? Was it because she was some Yelp Elite Squad User? Was it because she had pointed out some weaknesses? Was it because she had dragged the size of our water machine cups into it? Of all things to drag into the mud why our poor little plastic drinking cups? Maybe the drinking cups were taking cost savings a little too far. Maybe she had a point. Maybe she had a point about a few things.

I don’t remember much about her except seeing this angry faced person walking back and forth past my office window a few times. She looked more like a prison guard pacing back and forth in front of my cell. Even worse was this prison guard seemed to be having a really bad day and you could tell by her tight lips, red face, and icy stare that someone laid the hammer down on her and she was gonna lay it back down on someone else. This was not the look of a happy or thoughtful person. If I had a cell mate I certainly would not rape him in front of this guard today for fear she would catch me and rape two times as bad and cut me off from food for a week and then inflict some strange torture technique from the dark ages on me. I stayed low in my office as I usually do responding to leads, making calls, wondering how many more days I must go on tucking in my shirt, looking for missing keys, and begging for weekend bonuses.

In regards to what had transpired so far I’ve gathered the following. The car was priced very well online but wasn’t ready for the front line yet as it required a dent removal and detail. The customer called about this car and was misinformed by the salesman regarding if it still had some manufacturers warranty on it. The customer asked questions regarding the Carfax and the salesman responded with incorrect information having not read the Carfax before answering the question(s). In retrospect surely this salesperson would admit he should have told the customer he’d call her back after getting the details together for her but her review cleaned his clock as if he were personally responsible for buying the car at auction, every owner that ever driven it, every mile it was ever driven, and why service hadn’t yet made it front line ready, why his manager doesn’t give him the password to our Carfax account, why the owner hadn’t upgraded our facilities, why our Finance manager is slow to fax or according to the customer couldn’t figure out how to fax, or why he hadn’t personally beat down the service manager for allowing it to be in the sales lot before it was ready so that we wouldn’t have caused her any unnecessary trips to look at it and of course we already know he was linked to the size of our drinking cups but it didn’t end there as he had somehow even managed to get himself implicated in setting humanity and woman's rights in particular back a good 50-years.

Basically the customer came in under the premise that the car was perfect and was still under warranty which was not the case. The deal should have ended there but it kept going on and the piecing together it from that point forward was a downward spiral of multiple customer visits involving multiple salespersons and managers and a customer who wanted this car to be everything she envisioned it to be when in reality the car that was everything she wanted it to be was overlooked by her because of its price and is probably still sitting on AutoTrader or Craigslist or crashed by a salesman with a Vicodin addiction who took it to get lunch.

In the end nothing much has changed. Sure the salesperson always calls back the customer if they ask details, the service department created a line and duct taped a piece of cardboard to the ground that has an arrow indicting sales and service to help clear up any lot confusion. The drinking cups got an upgrade and are 1 size larger now. But sooner or later a person in the business office will again order the cheaper cups, the cardboard sign duct taped to the ground will wash out in the rain, this salesperson or another salesperson will cut a corner. Customers will come to look and re-look at a car multiple times and deal with multiple salespersons and managers all of which will try to say things to make the deal and this customer will pass and bring them all up to an entirely different salesperson and manager on a different day. We will receive more reviews. We will pat ourselves on the back when they are good and take our due credit in meetings or print copies complete with yellow highlights where it talks about our own name leave them on the GM’s desk.  And when they’re bad or there’s an angry faced person pacing the showroom (or service drive) we hide and then point fingers and talk about the mistakes other people made.
 

“Hey, did you see that review?” The question moved about he showroom and through offices and even leaped over different departments and surely must have slipped and slithered itself through the rafters and cooling ducts to the owners office. It wasn’t finished until every last person heard it and read the review. Once the review was read it seemed to make everyone feel compelled to provide their idea of what should be done about it. Managers, Finance Guys, Salesman, and a guy who supposed to be a Porter came up to me with deep concern and heavy tones as if speaking softer about the event would somehow make it go away. The questions and statements revolved around asking me to have the review removed. Asking me to respond to the reviewer. Asking me to petition Yelp for removal. And to somehow inform the internet of all the things we did right on this deal. As if the internet were waiting with the great anticipation for the truth to finally come out on this deal. I don’t know how aside from me being the internet guy I got dragged into this mess. There had been plenty of reviews before this one and even a few bad ones but I don’t know what it was that made everyone so upset about this particular review. Was it because she named names? Was it because she was some Yelp Elite Squad User? Was it because she had pointed out some weaknesses? Was it because she had dragged the size of our water machine cups into it? Of all things to drag into the mud why our poor little plastic drinking cups? Maybe the drinking cups were taking cost savings a little too far. Maybe she had a point. Maybe she had a point about a few things.

I don’t remember much about her except seeing this angry faced person walking back and forth past my office window a few times. She looked more like a prison guard pacing back and forth in front of my cell. Even worse was this prison guard seemed to be having a really bad day and you could tell by her tight lips, red face, and icy stare that someone laid the hammer down on her and she was gonna lay it back down on someone else. This was not the look of a happy or thoughtful person. If I had a cell mate I certainly would not rape him in front of this guard today for fear she would catch me and rape two times as bad and cut me off from food for a week and then inflict some strange torture technique from the dark ages on me. I stayed low in my office as I usually do responding to leads, making calls, wondering how many more days I must go on tucking in my shirt, looking for missing keys, and begging for weekend bonuses.

In regards to what had transpired so far I’ve gathered the following. The car was priced very well online but wasn’t ready for the front line yet as it required a dent removal and detail. The customer called about this car and was misinformed by the salesman regarding if it still had some manufacturers warranty on it. The customer asked questions regarding the Carfax and the salesman responded with incorrect information having not read the Carfax before answering the question(s). In retrospect surely this salesperson would admit he should have told the customer he’d call her back after getting the details together for her but her review cleaned his clock as if he were personally responsible for buying the car at auction, every owner that ever driven it, every mile it was ever driven, and why service hadn’t yet made it front line ready, why his manager doesn’t give him the password to our Carfax account, why the owner hadn’t upgraded our facilities, why our Finance manager is slow to fax or according to the customer couldn’t figure out how to fax, or why he hadn’t personally beat down the service manager for allowing it to be in the sales lot before it was ready so that we wouldn’t have caused her any unnecessary trips to look at it and of course we already know he was linked to the size of our drinking cups but it didn’t end there as he had somehow even managed to get himself implicated in setting humanity and woman's rights in particular back a good 50-years.

Basically the customer came in under the premise that the car was perfect and was still under warranty which was not the case. The deal should have ended there but it kept going on and the piecing together it from that point forward was a downward spiral of multiple customer visits involving multiple salespersons and managers and a customer who wanted this car to be everything she envisioned it to be when in reality the car that was everything she wanted it to be was overlooked by her because of its price and is probably still sitting on AutoTrader or Craigslist or crashed by a salesman with a Vicodin addiction who took it to get lunch.

In the end nothing much has changed. Sure the salesperson always calls back the customer if they ask details, the service department created a line and duct taped a piece of cardboard to the ground that has an arrow indicting sales and service to help clear up any lot confusion. The drinking cups got an upgrade and are 1 size larger now. But sooner or later a person in the business office will again order the cheaper cups, the cardboard sign duct taped to the ground will wash out in the rain, this salesperson or another salesperson will cut a corner. Customers will come to look and re-look at a car multiple times and deal with multiple salespersons and managers all of which will try to say things to make the deal and this customer will pass and bring them all up to an entirely different salesperson and manager on a different day. We will receive more reviews. We will pat ourselves on the back when they are good and take our due credit in meetings or print copies complete with yellow highlights where it talks about our own name leave them on the GM’s desk.  And when they’re bad or there’s an angry faced person pacing the showroom (or service drive) we hide and then point fingers and talk about the mistakes other people made.